


The Kiss She Deserves

by PrincessMisery86



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Fanfiction, Fluff and Angst, Fun, Implied Smut, Language, Non-Graphic Smut, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-10
Updated: 2019-06-10
Packaged: 2020-04-24 00:25:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19162048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrincessMisery86/pseuds/PrincessMisery86
Summary: Jared, reader and Jensen are cast members, close friends and live together. Jared kisses the reader and she tells him she needs more than a one night stand, does he want more too? I suck at summaries.Notes: My first attempt at a Jared fic. Would love some feedback. No offence meant to wives and families. This is purely fiction.Warnings: implied smut, angst, fluff, language.Word Count: 18k over 3 parts.Characters: Jared x Reader, Jensen, Danneel, Misha if you squint.Beta: @100oroughdrafts





	1. Chapter 1

**Jared POV**

Have you seen those videos online of someone doing something completely stupid that’s going to end in personal injury, then it pauses and the voice over says “it was at this moment they knew they fucked up!” ?

Well I can tell you the exact moment the narrator of my life would have uttered those words. It was also caught on thousands of cameras, from multiple angles. I’ve watched it a bunch of times and it makes my heart sink every time. Not that I think anyone else noticed it.

I get home after yet another disaster of a date, throwing my keys on the table in the hallway next to Jensen’s and Y/N. I follow the sound of their laughter and find them in the kitchen. Jensen sat on a bar stool at the breakfast bar, a bottle of beer in his hand. Y/N is on the counter top eating peanut butter Ben & Jerry’s ice cream straight from the tub.

“Wow, ten thirty. You really know how to wine and dine ‘em,” Jensen quipped at my early arrival.

I kiss Y/N’s cheek in greeting, then steal the ice cream from her hand turning to face Jensen leaning on the countertop beside her.

“She got super drunk on wine,” I tell him, rolling my eyes. It’s a regular occurrence, my dates get nervous or whatever, they need too much liquid courage, they over do it and then it ends prematurely. “She threw up in the bathroom so I put her in a cab home.”

“At least she went to the bathroom. Could have been worse,” Y/N shrugs.

“I’d at least like to make it to dessert just once,” I groan, scooping out some of the peanut butter delight.

“But then you wouldn’t get to steal **_my_ ** ice cream.”

She makes a move to grab it from me, but I put my back to her scooping more out quickly whilst she tugs on my arm to try to get me to turn back to her.

“Jared it’s my last tub, save me some!” She moans like a child.

I take two large mouthfuls as she moans for Jensen to help her.

He stands up laughing and stretching, “I know better than to come between you and your peanut butter addiction! Jared on the other hand, clearly has a death wish.”

“Jared I swear to god do not make me get off this counter!” She threatens. I surrender and give it back to her. She looks down into the tub and then pouts at the amount I’ve managed to shovel in my large mouth. “I don’t know how or when but you’re going to pay for that!” she promises with a squinted, evil glare.

Me and Jensen laugh at her, but I know I’ll pay for it in some form or another. Jensen chuckles, “I’m calling it a night,” he tells us walking around the breakfast bar to kiss Y/N’s cheek before disappearing to his room.

“What time are we being picked up tomorrow?” I ask Y/N.

Y/N always knows our schedules by heart, whereas I always have to check the calendar on my phone. We are going to San Diego tomorrow for Comic-Con and I would bet my life she knows our schedules, hall numbers, flight numbers and drivers name without looking.

“Eight,” she tells me crunching a large peanut cup.

Maybe my date ending early is a blessing in disguise, I can get some extra sleep before the hurricane of Comic-Con.

She smirks at me. “So that’s means you need to be up at seven to pack.”

I hate packing, so I leave it until the very last minute. I sneer playfully at her, she knows me too well.

She nods her head and smirks, “real mature Padalecki!”

“Real mature Padalecki,” I parrot and snatch the ice cream from her and eat a spoonful before she’s hopped down from the counter to attack me.

I hold my arm above my head, the almost empty tub is far from her five foot seven inch reach.

She hangs all her body weight on my bicep but I manage to tense in time so that she is only able to pull it down a centimeter or two. She paws at my arm, tries to jump for it, she even tries to literally climb up my body but I twist and her feet land on the floor.

“Jar, stop being mean,” she whines comically out of breath from her attempts.

She figures out a plan of attack. I watch as she hoists herself up onto the breakfast bar, then gets on to her knees, stretching her back straight, she’s now eye level with me but she still can’t quite reach my hand.

She sighs loudly, resigned to the fact she can’t beat me. She pouts, and as her bottom lip protrudes so far out I can’t help the belly laugh that breaks out of my mouth.

“You suck!” she tells me.

“I know. But it’s worth it just to see that pout,” I grin down at her. “I’m being a good friend and not helping feed your addiction.”

She huffs as she sits flat on the countertop, dangling her legs off the side. Y/N looks up at me through her eyelashes, full on puppy dogs eyes, and I notice her eyelashes cast shadows on her cheeks. Her bottom lips juts out and I’m overwhelmed with the urge to bite it.

I’m distracted by my urge and I think she’s admitted defeat so when she yanks me toward her with a handful of my shirt, I have to drop my hands to brace myself against the countertop so I don’t crash into her.

She wastes no time and grabs the tub as I fall toward her and cries out a triumphant “Ha, ha!” as she takes possession of the sweet treat.

I stand between her legs, my arms either side of her and watch as she smuggly spoons out the last mouthful and eats it with a satisfied almost pornographic moan.

I watch as her tongue licks a stray drop of ice cream from her lips and when I meet her eyes I know she knows exactly what I’m thinking. She starts saying my name and I cut off her words as my lips crash in to hers without a second thought.

Her tongue is cold against mine, she tastes like chocolate and peanut butter. Her fingers find their way in to my hair and when she tugs, a moan I don't recognise as my own pulls up from my chest.

I can’t describe how much I want her. It’s not until now that I understand how much I want her and for how long I’ve wanted her. I want to hear her noises when I help her find her nirvana, I want to know all the things she doesn’t like, I want to hear her scream my name in the worst and best possible ways. I want to feel her back arch when I enter her, feel her shake underneath me as she comes undone. I want to feel her hands all over me, everywhere, I want her nails digging in to my back when she reaches climax. I want to bite her shoulder and leave my mark on her skin. No, I need it. I need all of that.

I’ve kissed her before. She plays Lexie on the show, Bobby’s niece, a hunter, and has been Sam’s girlfriend for the last three seasons. But this kiss, this is different. For one, it wasn’t scripted, and we’re not in a room full of people waiting for someone to shout cut.

This isn’t Sam and Lexie, this is Jared and Y/N, and it’s deeper, more passionate, more breathtaking.

I run my hands up her legs to her hips and yank her closer to me on the countertop. She responds by wrapping her legs around the back of mine, drawing herself as close to me as she can with our clothes on. I run my hands up the back of her tank top and feel the goosebumps breakout on her skin.

She has to pull away to catch her breath so I take the opportunity to kiss her jawline and make my way to her neck. She finds the hem of my shirt and rakes her manicured nails up my stomach. I growl against her throat and suck the flesh on her collarbone, leaving my mark.

Then her palms are flat against my chest pushing me away. “Stop, stop” she says breathlessly.

I stop moving immediately but leave my head in the crook of her neck. “What’s wrong?” I ask my own voice as breathless as hers.

“I want this Jar,” she begins with a humourless laugh. “I can’t tell you how much I want this,”

I pull back to look at her. Her lips are swollen from my kiss, she’s panting and the mark I’ve left on her is darkening. “So what’s the problem?” I ask searching her blue eyes.

She shakes her head and can’t look at me. Averting her eyes, unwrapping her legs from around me. “I can do no strings attached. I can easily separate sex and emotion,” she talks to her legs unable to meet my eyes. “But I know myself too well and I know I won’t be able to with you. I won’t be able to separate it.”

My breath catches when I realise what she’s saying. She wants the strings attached; she wants all or nothing, not just a quick screw in the kitchen.

We’ve been close since the day we met, we hit it off straight away. Jensen knew her before as they worked together on Smallville, and I think Jensen speaking highly of her and telling me how great she was made me comfortable around her from the get go.

We’ve always had a flirty banter, and it’s effortless to be around her. I often end up draped over her on the couch when we watch a movie, and she’s always stroking her hands through my hair absentmindedly when I lay my head in her lap.

We play up when we’re on press tours or at Comic-Con. I squeeze her knee all the time when she’s talking to make her squeal a little, she often brushes my hair off my face, or she sticks her tongue out at me when I catch her eye.

I thought it was just a bit of fun, give the fans what they want, to make them think we’re just as close off set as we are on it. Which we are, but it never occured to me she wanted more than what we have.

When she looks up at me, there’s a glint of hope in her eyes which vanishes quickly seeing my expression. I must look shell shocked because I feel it.

She takes a deep breath and plasters on a fake smile, “let’s just chalk it up to a momentary lapse of judgement and forget it happened.”

She hops off the counter and tiptoes to kiss my cheek before padding out of the kitchen on bare feet, her head hanging a little lower than it usually does.

* * *

 

The next morning is a blur of packing, cars, planes, more cars and people telling me where I need to be.

Y/N came in to my room at six forty five with a fresh cup of coffee and kissed my temple to wake me, like she has done a million times before. I take that as a sign that we’re all good. Last night hasn’t changed anything and she doesn’t hate me for being a complete speechless jerk.

Jensen noticed the mark I left on her skin when we were eating breakfast and he started to make a suggestive comment but I managed to cut him off with a shake of my head. Luckily it wasn’t too dark and Y/N had covered it with makeup by the time the car arrived to take us to the airport.

Jensen, Me, Y/N, and Misha are sat on the stage in front of the thousand fans and after we’ve answered some of the panel host, Chris’, questions he opens it up for the fans to ask any burning questions.

A teenage girl, with cute freckles, and long curly red hair runs to the microphone and starts blubbering how she loves us all, and she’s so happy to be here. “Okay, so my question is for Y/N. Well it’s a two part question.” She giggles nervously. “So we all know you, Jared and Jensen live together, so which one has the worst habits? And who looks better first thing in the morning?”

The room shares a little chuckle and Y/N answers with a broad smile, “well Jensen seems to have an allergy to clothes.” The room erupts into cheers and hoots as Y/N explains. “No seriously he walks through the door and it’s like his clothes just fall off where he stands but he never picks them up so I’m constantly tripping over them!”

Jensen nods in total agreement, “Dean wears a lot of layers, they get heavy. It’s nice to be free!”

More cheers, cat calls and laughs. The red headed girl prompts, “and Jared’s worst habit?”

“He steals my ice cream.” Y/N says without missing a beat.  

I wonder if that’s a subtle dig at what happened last night and I cover my nervousness with a quick laugh and chance a glance over at her. She’s smiling her usual friendly smile at me. No, we’re all good, she’s just playing her role for the fans.

“She has a serious addiction to peanut butter,” I tell the room, “I’m merely being a good friend and not helping feed her habit.”

Y/N sticks her tongue out at me in the most childish and cutest way ever.

“And who looks better first thing in the morning?” the redhead reminds us.

“Um, well,” Y/N begins staring up at the roof as if she really needs to think about it. After a couple of thoughtful seconds she jumps off her high stool and stands in front of me.

She ruffles my hair so hard I have to put a foot on the floor and a hand on her hip to brace myself. Once my hair is in a satisfactory amount of disarray, she steps aside so the audience can see. “He wakes up like this, and who can resist a cute, sleepy, bed headed Jared?” she asks the crowd.

The crowd claps, and laughter fills the air whilst Y/N stands and fixes my hair. She leans closer in to me to make sure the back is right and my hand naturally travels to the small of her back. She meets my eyes, smiles with a wink and I wet my lips subconsciously.

Y/N jumps back up on to her seat and I avoid looking at her again as the next fan steps up to the microphone. “My question is for all of you. What are you doing with your hiatus and will the beards return?”

There are a few shouts of ‘yes’, ‘release the beards’, ‘bring the beards back’.

Jensen answers first, he’s going home to spend time with his family and he plans on reading a few books and yes the beard will make an appearance. I answer next, which is pretty much the same as Jensen except I tell them me and Jensen have planned a road trip on Harley Davidsons.

Y/N is next and opens with a joke, “well as much as I love their beards I don’t think I could pull one off. I’m spending two weeks on the beach but then I’ll be working, so no hiatus for me.”

“Oh yeah” The panel host, Chris, says, “you’re doing a movie so you’ll be filming in Georgia, right?”

Y/N smiles nodding, “that’s right.”

The realisation hits me like a wrecking ball to the chest and that’s it, it’s in this moment Jared knows he fucked up!

I’m not going to see her for four solid months. Every other vacation time we’ve had we spend time together, we always hang out, we always seem to gravitate toward one another. But she’s going to be filming a movie. She won’t have time to hang out and the thought of not seeing her for such a long period of time makes me sick to my stomach. It will be the longest period of time we’ve spent apart since I met her four years ago.

She’s leaving for her beach vacation from Comic-Con then she’s flying to Georgia. Funny, now I can remember a schedule. I won’t have time to tell her I’m sorry, that I should have said something last night. I was just too shocked to see it, but I want more too, I want her and all the strings attached.

“But you’re coming back right?” Chris asks for the audiences sake. “Cause Lexie left at the end of last season, she’s coming back right?”

The end of last season Lexie left after soulless Sam tried to kill her, and used her body in ways he never should have. Unaware he doesn’t have his soul, she walked in on Sam with another women and that was the last straw. Lexie left in a haze of rum, and burning rubber before Dean discovers Sam is without his soul.

“Yes she’s coming back. Wild horses nor soulless boyfriends can keep Lexie from the Winchester’s.” Y/N promises to rapturous applause.

Y/N knows Lexie can’t stay away from Sam but I wonder if Y/N feels the same way about me.

I’m pulled from my own head when the next fan says my name. “Jared, Y/N answered this last year so it’s your turn,”

I chuckle before she even finishes the question. I know what question is coming.

“When are you and Y/N going to date in real life?”

It’s a running joke with us and the fans. Y/N and I take it in turns answering each year. Sometimes we completely brush over it, sometimes we answer the question with a question, other times we completely ignore it and change the subject. One year I pretended to get down on one knee to propose and Jensen pretended to have forgotten the ring resulting in Y/N storming off stage dramatically.

I look over at Y/N and she’s absentmindedly brushed her hand down her neck and her fingers rest on the makeup covered mark I left on her flesh and my mind goes back to kitchen.

I’m too deep in my memory and quiet for too long and Jensen has to save me. “If these two ever started dating you wouldn’t have a show, because they wouldn’t get out of bed!” He says with a suggestive smile.

“Can’t argue with that,” Y/N agrees grabbing my knee and squeezing it to make me squirm from under her grip making the audience and me laugh.

* * *

 

**Y/N POV.**

Comic-Con is always somewhat of a blur. With panels and press interviews I always end the day with a headache and a glass or three of wine in a bubble bath. But I don’t have that luxury this time.

I was paired with Misha for the press interviews and as soon as we wrap up our last one that ran over, I have enough time to give him a quick hug and say an even quicker goodbye to Jensen and Jared who were in the room next door.

I’m in the car on route to the airport. Praying I make my flight in time because I cannot wait for my feet to feel sand and the whoosh of hot air on my face as I step off the plane in Fiji.

My phone text message chimes in my bag and I think about ignoring it as technically the second I slipped into this car I’m on vacation. I need to switch off from the world and turning off all electronic devices for two weeks will help me do just that.

I fish my phone out of my stupidly oversized and over full bag to see Jared’s name on the new message notification.

**Jared:** Have a good vacation. Going to miss you. X

What exactly was he going to miss? Kissing me in the most incredible, knee-buckling way to practically telling me he just wanted a quick fuck? He hadn’t responded when I told him I wanted more, that I couldn’t sleep with him without my emotions getting involved. But no response is a very clear response.

I played it cool this morning when I took him his morning coffee as I usually would but all I wanted to do was climb into the bed with him.

I know it’s not his fault that he doesn’t want a relationship with me. Office romances probably aren’t the best idea anyway but I can’t help the hurt I feel. I’ve let myself read into his light touches and flirting and I let myself believe they meant more than they did.

Maybe I shouldn’t have stopped him last night, I should have slept with him and not told him I want more. Guess it doesn’t matter now, what’s done is done. Although I have a sneaky suspicion I won’t ever completely get over not getting under Jared Padalecki.

I put myself out there, I got rejected, it happens all the time. I’ll bounce back, and I have four months to get over him. Now I know he doesn’t want more, the question of what if has been answered so I can put him behind me.

**Y/N to Jared** : I want a weekly beard update. Enjoy hiatus. Going dark now. See you on the flip side. X

I take a selfie and post it to Instagram, thanking the fans for coming to comic-con and telling them I’m turning my phone off for two weeks whilst I enjoy my much needed vacation. Then I do just what I promised and switch off my phone.

* * *

 

**Jared POV.**

I sit in the back of the car next to Jensen and type four different messages out to Y/N before deleting them and settling on ‘Have a good vacation. Going to miss you. X’

I press send and groan inwardly at my own lack of finesse throwing my head in to the back of the chair and closing my eyes. I may well as have said, ‘have a good vacation, going to miss being an absolute dick to you.’

“Okay over there buddy?” Jensen’s question pulls me from my thoughts.

I shake my head with my eyes closed, “I fucked up!”

“This have anything to do with the Jared shaped mark on Y/N neck?”

“Yep.”

“She finally tell you she likes you then?”

I whip my head to look at him so fast I’ve probably given myself whiplash.

“Come on dude, you can’t seriously say you hadn’t figured it out?” Jensen asks with an exasperated expression. “She’s been so into you since the day she met you.”

“She told you that?”

He shrugs, “we’ve talked about it a couple times.”

“Dude!” I groan loudly, “I’ve made her save me from bad dates, I’ve told her about my sexual encounters, I’ve treated her like she’s you! Why didn’t you tell me?”

“She asked me not to,” he shrugs with a small laugh, “plus, it was up to her to tell you.”

I run my hands over my face as Y/N’s message comes through. I read it as Jensen asks me exactly what happened.

I rant the whole thing at him. I’m teasing her one second, kissing her the next, then she’s walking out of the room after telling me she needs more from me than one night.

“You didn’t say anything?” Jensen practically shouts at me, “nothing at all, not even an apology?”

“My head was spinning, plus all the blood had rushed to other parts of my body.”

As defences go, it’s a lame one. Even I know it is, I should have said something, anything. I should have asked her to give me a minute to think. I should have told her I think she’s amazing, beautiful and sexy, funny, calming, sweet, smart. Urgh! I’m such an ass!

Jensen seems to agree, “dude, you fucked up!”

“I know and now she’s on radio silence for two weeks and then she’ll be in Georgia. Maybe I should call her, leave a voicemail.”

Jensen snatches the phone from my hand before I’ve even unlocked it. “No! It’s not the kind of thing you say to a voicemail.”

* * *

 

**Two Weeks Later.**

**Jared POV**

I wake up in my bed at home and my first thought is, Y/N’s vacation is over. She should be on the plane to Georgia right about now. She hasn’t called me or texted me in two weeks, which I knew would happen. She hasn’t posted anything on social media either so I know she really has just switched off the world and isn’t avoiding me.

I’ve called her phone countless times just to hear her voice on her voicemail but I haven’t left any messages. Jensen was right, we need to have a conversation face to face.

I open Instagram and there she is staring back at me. Standing in crystal aqua blue water, arms spread wide, the biggest grin on her face in a white bikini. The caption reads: Batteries recharged. Headspace clear and focused. Time to work. #110 #SPN #PlaytimesOver

It was posted nine hours ago. My heart sinks. Any other time as soon as she plugs back in she messages me and Jensen a stupid gif of a waving animal in our WhatsApp group. My WhatsApp is notification free.

Jensen has commented on her photo - Batteries recharged just means you ate way too much peanut butter and you’re now on a sugar high. Your headspace is anything but clear and focused, you lunatic. Give them hell.

Her response - Peanut emoji and drooling emoji. Middle finger emoji. Miss you Punk. How’s the beard coming along?

Jensen nicknamed her Lunatic after we spent a day at NASCAR. Naturally, she turned it into a competition and by the end of the day Jensen had lost about ten pounds of weight from worrying about her driving stupidly fast to beat her own times. NASCAR offered her a job.

I don’t remember where Punk came from, it’s just something she called him one day and it stuck.

Jensen has posted a picture of his beard progress and tagged her, she’s liked it and commented with a fire emoji.

So she’s been active on social media, talking to Jensen, but she hasn’t messaged me. Maybe that clear and focused headspace means she’s cleared her head of me.

I call Jensen and he answers after the fifth ring. “Hey Buddy, how’s it going?”

“You spoke to Y/N.” I don’t mean it to come out as an accusation rather than a question but it does.

“Morning Jensen, Morning Jared, How are you today? I’m good how are you?” Jensen chided me and I practically hear his eye roll.

“Sorry.”

He sighs, telling me not to worry about it. He’s been my sounding board for weeks now: he’s talked me off the ledge of leaving her messages more than once, he’s listened to me beat myself up and reassured me I’ll have time to make it right.

“She called me a couple hours ago,” Jensen tells me with a weary sigh.

“Before or after the instagram posts?”

“Before.”

“Did she ask about me?”

“No dude, sorry. I figured you were her next call so I didn’t mention anything.”

“Should I call her?”

“She’s on the plane. Said she lands at eleven.” Jensen explains, “she might have wifi though. Text her. Just don’t get into it over messages. It’s easy for stuff to get misinterpreted. Keep it light, friendly”

“Okay, thanks.”

Jensen ends the call with a good luck. He’s right, messages are a sure fire way to get mixed signals so I decide to comment on her Instagram picture. It takes me ten minutes to decide what to write knowing the world will see it too.

_@Y/N_0205_ \- Don’t work too hard. Sam needs his girl refreshed and focused too.

I make myself a coffee and am eating a bowl of cereal before she replies.

_@Jarpad_ \- you know I only know how to give 110%. Sam’s girl will be ready don’t worry. Beard update now, pls.

I snap a selfie and upload it tagging her with the caption - what do you think. #BeardTodayBeardTomorrow

She’s replied in seconds. @JarPad - daaaaaaaaaamn. Remind me to hide all the razors when we’re back on set. Drooling emoji. Call you later.

I laugh aloud in my kitchen. She’s not even here and she’s put my mind at ease. Knowing we can still be silly with each other, that even though she thinks I don't want her as anything other than a friend she hasn't let it change our friendship.

I take a shower and when I return to my phone I have a missed call from her. I immediately call her back sitting on the edge of my bed.

“Hey,” she answers with a smile.

“Hey yourself,” I reply with my own broad grin. “You in Georgia?”

“Yeah landed about a half hour ago. I’m on the way to the hotel, well home for the next four months.” She sounds excited even though I know she hates living in hotels.

The novelty wore off around season three and so me, Jensen and Y/N bought a house in Vancouver to have some place to call home, to make our own.

An awkward silence finds us and I don’t like it. It’s never happened before and it worries me. She says my name as I say hers and we both laugh nervously.

“You go first,” I tell her politely and I wish I hadn’t.

“I’ve had time to think and I’m sorry about the whole no strings thing.” She tells me firmly, “I hadn’t thought it through. I read too much into nothing and I think I may have mixed a little of Sam and Lexie feelings in to Jared and Y/N feelings. I love what we have, I love our relationship just how it is and I don’t want it change.”

I’m dumbstruck again and I’m glad she can’t see my face because I’m sure there’s tears pooled in my eyes and I’ve lost all my colour.

I’ve spent the last two weeks realising I’m in love with her. Going over conversations in my head, remembering all the flirty smiles, the featherlight touches, the pink tinge of her cheeks when she's had too much too drink, the flustered look she gives me when we’ve finished a kissing scene.

The laughs we’ve shared, the prank war she started, but me and Jensen got scolded for, we’ve had so many memorable and fun moments. I really don’t understand how I didn’t figure it out sooner. But now she’s telling me she doesn’t feel it. She was wrong, she doesn’t want anything more than what we already have.  

“Jared? You there?”

“Yeah,” my voice is strained so I clear my throat, “yeah I’m still here.”

“I just didn’t want you to feel awkward around me and it change things.”

“No, I get it.”

“So we’re good?”

“Always.”

She heaves a huge sigh of relief and I have to fake a smile to say goodbye so she doesn’t hear the disappointment in my voice.


	2. The Kiss She Deserves - Part 2

**Four Months Later**

**Y/N POV.**

I bounce on the balls of my feet waiting for my bags to appear on the carousel in the airport. I’m so excited to be home, I feel like I might self implode. I’ve missed Jensen and Jared so much, and knowing they are waiting in the airport to pick me up has me practically vibrating in my skin. 

Four months is the longest time we’ve spent apart since I started on the show. I was only supposed to be in five episodes of season one, but the fans liked me and apparently so did the producers because they gave me a starring role for season two.

We’ve got three days until filming begins and all I want to do is sit on the couch with my two favourite boys, eat peanut butter ice cream, that Jared has promised me is stocked up in the freezer, and binge watch some Netflix.

When my bags finally arrive I race as fast as I can through passport control. I slow my hasty pace of weaving in and out of the people when an elderly woman scowls at me. 

Then I see them, over a sea of about twenty girls surrounding them as they sign autographs and take pictures and when I see their smiling faces I realise just how home sick I have been. 

Not that filming the movie was bad, the cast and crew were amazing and I started dating my co-star, Ryan, so it was the complete opposite of bad. But when I see the Jay’s I instantly feel like I’m home. 

I stand to the side of the crowd, not wanting to interrupt the fans, but Jared notices me and his goofy grin as he straightens up from crouching to take a picture has everyone turning in my direction.

Some of the girls squeal and I have to remind them to keep calm before security chucks us out. “Excuse me, coming through,” Jensen says playfully pushing through the ocean of fans to get to me, “get out of the way.” 

The girls give us some room and Jensen hugs me tightly, “I’ve missed you.” 

“Missed you too” I smile wiping happy tears from my eyes when he lets me go. 

The crowd ‘ahhhs’ making us all laugh. 

Jared pulls Jensen goodnaturedly out of the way telling him to back off from Sam’s girl. He crouches to wrap his arms around my waist and crushes me against his chest. He lifts me off the ground and holds me so tight I think he might crack a rib, but I still bury my head in his shoulder. 

When his grip does start to hurt, I groan,  “Jar, can’t. Breathe.”

He sets me on my feet and gazes down at me. I feel like he wants to say something, that he’s forgotten we’re surrounded by people, so I tiptoe and kiss his cheek to break his focus. “Missed your giant ass.” I joke, smiling.  

“Missed your short ass,” he grins back. 

We take photos and sign autographs and when we’re sure each person has got what they wanted we make our way out to the car. The boys carry my bags and I link my arm through theirs as we walk. I’m home. 

* * *

**Jared POV**

I’ve spent four months convincing myself Y/N is right. We both got caught up in the Sam and Lexie story and we mistook their feelings for our own. 

When Y/N posted a picture of her and Ryan on Instagram, the internet blew up with speculation that they were dating. I was genuinely happy for her. Ryan seems like a nice guy and Y/N deserves to be happy. 

Then I saw her in the airport, saw her happy tears as she hugged Jensen and that was it, I was a goner. All reason and logic vanished. 

Her freshly sun kissed skin made her eyes a deeper shade of blue, her hair was lighter and longer, her smile even more contagious than it used to be. 

The pep talks I’d given myself, all the conversations I’d had with Jensen, all the times I’d stopped myself from daydreaming about her, all the time I’d spent telling myself our messages and phone calls were just friendly conversations, have all been pointless. 

We get home from the airport and Jensen cooks her favourite pasta dish whilst she unpacks and takes a shower. 

I hear the music filter from her room and I know she’s dancing around her room like nobody’s watching, singing along and pretending she’s in a dramatic music video. I’ve caught her doing it numerous times, she’s never embarrassed and always pulls me and Jensen into her one woman dance party. I don’t need to see it, the image in my head is enough and I feel the tug of my lips as it stretches in to a smile. 

“So you’ve fallen off the deep end of the Y/N pool” Jensen says whilst chopping garlic. 

I puff out a lungful of air and grimace, “is it that obvious?” 

“I don’t think she’s picked up on it,” he assures me, “yet.” 

I don’t know what to say. I busy myself with opening a bottle of red wine and put the glasses on the table. I can feel Jensen’s eyes on me, he’s waiting for me to tell him what I’m thinking. 

He stirs the pasta, not taking his eyes off me, “What’s the plan here, Jar?” 

“There is no plan,” I admit. “Three hours ago I was content just being her friend. Going back to the way things were. Then I saw her and,” I don’t finish the sentence, not sure how to explain. 

“All the blood rushed to your other body parts again?” He explains for me.

“Shut up, asshole!” 

We’re both still laughing when our singing and happy dancing roommate enters the kitchen. She typing on her phone and I hate that the smile on her face is the result of someone else’s words.

Jensen tells her off, “hey house rules, no phones at the dinner table!”

She finishes her message and puts her phone on the countertop holding her hands up surrendering as she walks to sit at the table, pouring us all a glass of wine.

Jensen plates up the food, then hands us each a plate before collecting his own and joining us. 

“To being home,” Y/N toasts, holding her glass in the air. 

“To being home.” Me and Jensen chorus clinking our glasses to hers. 

Y/N takes a bite of her food and she groans her approval with dreamy eyes at Jensen. “You have got to show me how to make this.”

“No way,” Jensen shakes his head, “only way I can guarantee you’ll come back and won’t ditch us for the big city lights when you win your Oscar.”

She laughs whole heartedly, “don’t worry, I’ll be sure to mention you in my speech.” 

“Mention? Just a mention?” Jensen fakes offence, “the two awesome dudes you’ve spent the better part of four years living and working with just get a mention?” 

She shrugs unfazed, “well they only give you so much air time.”

The laughter is genuine and fun. We eat in contented silence for a while, then Y/N’s phone chimes across the room. A few seconds pass and it chimes again, barely a second passes and it chimes again. 

She jumps up and grabs it, “sorry I’ll put it on silent.” She quickly reads the messages and I feel my jaw flex as that shy smile finds her lips again. 

Jensen smacks his knee into mine to remind me to get my face in check. 

“So your costar, huh?” Jensen asks with a cocky smirk as she returns to the table. 

Now it’s my turn to smack his leg. I don’t want to hear about Y/N and Ryan. I’ve seen the pictures on her Instagram I don’t need the sordid details. 

Y/N rolls her eyes, “Ryan.”

“Yeah Ryan. Is it serious?” Jensen asks and I make a point to keep my focus on my food. 

“We agreed to keep it casual, see how it goes, no pressure.” She says it coolly but there’s a hint of hope in her voice. She doesn’t want to keep it casual.

“Probably for the best,” Jensen agrees with a nod. “Busy schedules and what not.”  

“You’re quiet?” Y/N asks nudging my elbow with her own. “Lost your ability to talk?”

“Just enjoying my food.”

* * *

**Y/N POV**.

I’m sat in my spot on the couch, Jared’s head is in my lap and I’m stroking my nails through his hair. Jensen is on his favourite rounded armchair, my belly is full of Jensen’s pasta and ice cream. Game Of Thrones is on the tv and I couldn’t be happier. 

Jared began lightly snoring about twenty minutes ago and I think we’re all ready for bed but I wait until the end of the episode before I tell Jensen to switch it off. 

He looks over to see Jared sleeping and chuckles. “Light weight.” 

I defend my sleeping friend, “you know red wine makes him sleepy.” 

“You stroking his hair like a lap dog makes him sleepy,” Jensen jokes. 

I look down at Jared and coo like I’m talking to a baby, “I’ve missed my giant friend of a lap dog.” 

“Friend?” Jensen questions with raised eyebrows. 

I know what he’s getting at. He told me Jared told him about our kiss and my subsequent confession, that went unreciprocated. I would have told Jensen myself, had I had the time. 

I’ve confided in Jensen about my feelings for Jared more times than I’d like to count. When Jared’s flirting, or stories of one night stands would get too much for me to handle Jensen would be the one to wipe my tears. 

He would always try to convince me to speak up and tell Jared how I felt. But I never felt the time was right. I never sensed Jared felt the same. If he did he wouldn’t talk to me like one of the guys, which I didn’t mind, I liked that we had that closeness. But sometimes it would get too much and I’d breakdown. 

“Yes friend,” I confirm.  

“So you’re Jared crush is well and truly over?” 

I think I am over my crush. I’ve worked out my jumbled thoughts and feelings. Ryan helped me see the behaviour of someone when they are interested in you completely. Jared and I have only ever been friends, and that’s all we’ll ever be. 

“Yeah I think I am.” 

I’m not worried about Jared hearing us, when he’s asleep it takes a large brass band and the aroma of coffee to wake him. Plus this isn’t anything I wouldn’t say to his face. 

“You think you are?” 

I shrug my shoulders, “don’t get me wrong, I still think he’s hot as hell.” I tell Jensen with a laugh, “and I’m certainly not going to start complaining about having to kiss Sam but as far as me and Jared go, I’m more than good with what we have.”

“And if he’s not?” Jensen begins. The pull of my eyebrows into a confused frown prompts him to continue, “if he’s not good with what you have? What if he changed his mind?” 

His question stumps me for a second. Does he know something I don’t? Has Jared said something to him? I brush off the thought with a shake of my head. 

I spoke to Jared as much as I spoke to Jensen whilst I was away. Jared has had plenty of opportunities to tell me if anything had changed. He even commented on pictures of me and Ryan saying how much of a cute couple we were. 

“No point in playing the what if game,” I tell him flatly.

* * *

 

**Jared POV.**

Two nights before the first day of shooting, the cast and crew shut down Finnegan’s bar in town. We eat, drink, dance, play pool, darts, beer pong, somehow there’s always a game of poker, we catch up with everyone’s vacation tales and sing karaoke. 

Then we have one day to recover and it’s all hands on deck to start shooting. It’s become a tradition and it’s easily one of my favourite days of the year.

It use to start at eight p.m. but each year it gets earlier and earlier, this year it started at five. We’re like kids at Christmas, too eager to get started.

I had been playing pool with a few of the crew when Y/N approached me and asked for a rematch. I thrashed her last year, she barely got chance to pot a ball before I was finished. 

“Sure you can handle the loss?” I ask her, setting up the game. 

“Are you?” she asks with a wink, trying out a few different cues to find the one she needs. “What’s the bet this time?”

We always make a dumb bet, loser does the others’ house chores for a week, loser has to post a stupid picture on social media, loser has to take the winner to dinner at a place of their choice. She bet me to streak on set one year too, luckily I won that game. 

I start to think of a good bet to make, the only thing that comes to mind is her. I win, I get her. My thought process is not helped by the fact she’s wearing a figure hugging jumpsuit with stilettos that make her tanned legs look like they go on for days, or the fact that she made me zip up said jumpsuit before we left the house and I know she’s wearing a purple lace bra and panties set underneath.

“What’s the matter Padalecki?” she asks, her voice oozing sarcasm as she walks around the table to stand in front of me. 

She’s close enough for me to smell the tequila on her breath and the heels she’s wearing make her closer to my eye level but I still have to look down at her. 

The flirty set to her eyes when she looks up at me from under her lashes makes my head swim and I’m transported back to kissing her in the kitchen. 

“Scared you’re going to lose?” Y/N grins. 

I hoot a laugh to hide the fact that I’m quite nervous at how close she is to me and the kitchen memory makes an idea pop in to my head. “If I win, no peanut butter for you for a week.” 

She takes a step back from me and she looks kind of hurt which makes me laugh, “that’s a low blow dude!” 

I sneer jokingly at her, “scared you’re going to lose?”

She puffs out an aggravated breath, “fine!” she agrees, “but if I win, you have to watch all of the Bridget Jones’ movies with me, without complaint or falling asleep!” 

I roll my eyes, but agree. She knows I hate those movies. Even though she likes them and she thinks it would be a punishment to watch them, honestly it would be a win. A win for me because it means I get to spend time with her. 

“Break?” I offer to her. 

“You’re going down Padalecki!” 

I reach to tickle her sides and make her squirm, telling her, “quit the smack talk and break!”

She pots a striped ball on her break and I nod at her impressed when she looks over to me with a satisfied grin. I set myself up leaning over the table. I get the ball I want in my line of sight and just as I push the cue forward she bumps her hips into mine making the white ball completely miss its intended target.

I stand up chewing my lip with teasing eyes, “so that’s how you’re going to play it?”

“That’s exactly how I’m going to play it!” she snickers at me, “no one comes between me and my peanut butter.” 

“So you’ve reduced yourself to cheating?” 

“Not cheating,” she says with total believability, “distracting.” 

“Two can play that game,” I point out to her. 

Her expression is enough to tell me to bring it on and that’s exactly what we do. Shot for shot we try to distract the other. 

I stand in her eye line and pull stupid faces. 

She knocks the cue with her hand as I take a shot. 

I do a dumb dance. 

She runs her hands through my hair.

Neither of us pot a ball and we’re both laughing so hard we draw a crowd. We have to explain what the bet is and why she’s trying so hard not to lose.

Damn I’ve missed her. I’ve missed this, being stupid and flirty with each other. I don’t understand how I didn’t see it sooner. How did I not see what was right there in front of me this whole time? This amazing woman who makes me laugh until I think I might cough up a lung, challenges me. A woman who is smart and knows her own mind, unapologetically happy in her own skin, can hold her own wherever she is, sweet, kind, generous, stubborn, forgiving. I could have had this a long time ago, I guess I did have it, I had her but not completely, not in the all consuming way I want her now. 

The game and the off-putting continues with our audience calling out ways to distract the other. Some people take bets on who will win.  

I’ve got one ball left to pot before I can take a shot at the eight ball. Y/N is down to the eight ball, and has been for the last two shots but my interruptions have put her off enough to miss. 

I’m leant over the table and I’m lining up my shot when her hand travels slowly from my shoulder down my arm. I look over my shoulder at her and trace her face as she bends her body to the contours of mine. She rests her hand on top of mine on the cue. I hold my breath as her nose brushes my hair as she brings her lips to my ear. “Don’t choke,” she whispers. 

If she stays in that position any longer it will be super embarrassing when I stand up. So I hastily take the shot and pot my last ball. 

Y/N groans as she stands up, “damn it!” 

I shrug my shoulders at her trying to brush off the tingling in my groin. “What can I say, your touch inspired me,” I joke, fluttering my eyelashes at her like an idiot. 

Y/N walks to the opposite end of the table. I’m trying to think of a way to distract her without touching her because if I do I won’t be able to stop that all too familiar stir. This is her chance to win, if she pots the eight ball I’m done for. 

She bends slightly and lines herself up, she looks up at me anticipating what I’m going to do even though I haven't thought of anything. Jensen jumps behind me and pulls up my shirt just as she launches her cue at the white ball. The distraction is enough for her put too much force on the cue and the white ball hops off the table. 

Everyone laughs and Y/N stays in her position, she rests her head on the cue and laughs whole-heartedly. 

When she’s contained herself, she stands up and points at Jensen, telling him off, “no outside help!”

“Hey, I don’t want to watch Bridget Jones either,” he explains, “got to help my boy win!”

She’s standing behind me for my next shot and I’m anxious about what she’s going to do so I look over my shoulder at her three times while laughing before I’m able to take the shot. 

She jumps on my back, wrapping her legs around my waist and her arms around my neck. She puts her cheek against mine whilst I line up the shot. She licks from my jaw line up to my eyes but she’s a second too late and I sink the eight ball into the pocket. 

I stand up straight with her on my back, piggyback style as everyone cheers. 

“You really going to make me go cold turkey?” she asks with a pout. 

I nod, grinning like the cheshire cat. “A bets a bet,” I remind her. 

“Fine,” she moans, sticking her tongue out at me with a sneer. “But I cannot be held responsible for my actions when I have low blood sugar from lack of peanut butter.” 

She kisses my cheek with a loud “mwah” and jumps down to her feet. 

* * *

By twelve thirty I’ve drank enough, and the whole night just becomes a bit overwhelming. I get like this in a crowd sometimes, even in a room full of people I know. It could be nervous energy knowing the work that lies ahead with our filming schedule, it’s a chest crushing wave of anxiety.

I search the large room for Y/N, she’s always been the person I seek out when I feel like this. I find her at the bar talking with Jensen, Misha, Jenny, the shows publicist and a new girl I was introduced earlier, Katie. Katie is young, fresh out of college and is the new production runner. 

I make my way over to them, Misha is midway through telling Katie a story about pranks we’ve played on one another. 

I slide myself onto the bar stool behind Y/N. I guide her back into my lap, between my legs. She keeps her feet on the floor, but leans in to me, her back against my chest. I wrap my arms around her waist loosely. 

She rests her head on my shoulder and turns her face in to me a little, “you ready to go home?” she asks quietly. Though she already knows that I am. The simple fact that she knows what my embrace means, that she relaxed completely against me, makes me calm down. I don’t feel so crushed, I can get past the bubble of anxiety twisting inside my chest. Y/N is my solace. She’s the calm when I can’t see my way out of the storm. 

I kiss her shoulder humming my confirmation that I’m ready to go home against her skin. 

“You two are just too cute,” Katie says loudly bringing my focus up to her. She’s drunk, probably more inebriated than she should be upon meeting her new co-workers for the first time. “I can’t believe you’re not an actual couple. Have you guys really never…” She lets the question trail off, but we’ve had the same thing so many times we know what she’s asking. 

I don’t understand why people think we would tell them even if we had. Especially people we’ve only just met. 

Y/N shakes her head against my shoulder looking at Katie, “no, we haven’t.” 

“But like, never ever, never? You’ve not even thought about it?” 

Y/N laughs whole-heartedly. “Have you met him?” she asks standing straight to turn and squeeze my chin in her hand, “of course I’ve thought about it. I had the hugest crush on him for ages.” 

Had? She said had the hugest crush, past tense. It’s the first time she’s ever said it in front of me too. If she’s so comfortable in admitting it in front of me now that must mean she’s over it. 

I tell myself to keep my face straight, to not let the disappointment and hurt I feel show on my features. I look to Jensen and he’s looking at me with sympathetic eyes. He knows her use of the past tense has crushed me.  

Y/N turns back to look at Katie and rests herself against me again, continuing, “I don’t know any woman alive who wouldn’t swoon at his charm, wit, intelligence or his obvious good looks but no, we have never been anything more than friends.” 

“It’s a shame,” Katie says genuinely, “you’d make a great couple. Your chemistry on screen and off from what I saw earlier is amazing.” 

“Believe me,” Jenny begins telling Katie, “we’ve all wanted it to happen for years, too. I still have a press release ready to go with the hope of it happening someday,” she jokes with a hint of seriousness. 

* * *

**Jared POV**

I’m transformed into Sam Winchester and as soon as I step on set of Bobby’s house I feel like I’ve just met an old friend that I haven’t seen for a while. 

Y/N and Jensen are already on set, standing in Bobby’s kitchen. Jensen in his own clothes as he’s finished filming for the day. He’s waiting on us to film the last scene before we all go home together. 

Y/N is in her Lexie clothes. Tight dark denim jeans, a white fitted shirt and a black leather jacket. We’re filming the fourth episode of the season. 

Dean has called Lexie and told her Sam didn’t have his soul, but he’s got it back. She’s driven through the night to see him and we’ve filmed their sorrowful reunion scene. Now we’re filming their first kiss after an emotional conversation. The prospect both terrifies and excitements me in equal measure. 

The script is clear and simple. Sam and Lexie talk in Bobby’s kitchen, she goes to leave, Sam stops her, they kiss. It gets deep and passionate and Sam takes off her jacket, she takes off his shirt, they kiss again and cut. 

I can do this. I’ve done it loads of times.

The call comes sooner than I feel ready. “Okay places people. Last scene of the day, let’s do this.” 

We get into position and the call comes, “Action!” 

_ Sam sits at the kitchen table, peeling the corners of the label off of a beer bottle in his hand. Lexie enters and sits across from him. Sam’s eyes never leave his beer.  _

_ “Are you ever going to be able to look at me again?” Lexie asks sadly. Silence. “Sam, please” _

_ “Lex, I can’t. The things I did to you,”  _

_ Lexie interrupts him, “it wasn’t you.”  _

_ “Yes it was. I sought you out, soulless or not, I came to find you.” Sam slams his hand on the table, “I did all those things to you, I tried to kill you, I used you in the worst ways.”  _

_ “I didn’t stop you.” Lexie’s eyes fill with tears, “I could have told you to stop at any time, I could have left sooner, but I didn’t.”  _

_ The only sound is Lexie’s sniffling as she stops herself from crying. She wipes her tear stained cheeks and takes a deep centering breath. “I forgive you, Sam.”  _

_ Sam shakes his head, “I just need some time,” he tells her quietly. “Please.”  _

_ Lexie stands slowly, walking to stand beside him. She gently puts her hands on either side of his face and he bows his head so he doesn’t have to look her. She kisses the crown of his head and as she takes a step to leave, Sam’s hands shoot to her waist holding her in place. _

_ He slowly raises his head, tears fill his eyes and she leans down to kiss his lips. The kiss deepens and Sam guides Lexie to straddle him without breaking their kiss. Sam pushes the jacket off her shoulders and Lexie pulls it off her arms before throwing it in a heap to the floor.  _

_ She lifts herself from his lap slightly to free his shirt and pulls it over his head, breaking their kiss. They lock eyes and then Sam crushes his lips against hers again.  _

This is the end of the scene, I should stop but I don’t want to. What if I only ever get to kiss her as Sam again? I despise the idea so I don’t stop. I don’t stop kissing her as my hands slide up her thighs and I grip her hips so tight I think I might bruise her. Her hands are against my chest and she must be able to feel how fast my heart is pounding. I wouldn’t be surprised if the sound is picked up on camera. 

I use her hips as handles and stand up, taking her with me. I sit her on the table and she has to slam her hand down behind her to keep herself upright as I lean into her. Her other hand is on my bicep and her nails dig in painfully. 

Maybe someone shouts cut and I just dont hear it, or I don’t want to hear it because I’m so lost in her. The taste of coffee on her tongue, the smell of her minty shampoo, the feel of her chest brushing mine as she respires. 

I’m supposed to be Sam right now but Sam wouldn’t kiss Lexie like this. Not with such greedy longing that his lungs hurt from the lack of oxygen because he can’t get enough air through his nose. 

We’ve gone off script before, especially during emotional scenes, the producers encourage it. We’ve played our characters long enough, lived in their headspace to know how they would react in any given situation. But we’ve never improvised a kiss before.

When my lungs are burning and I’m in serious danger of passing out I run my hand from her hip to her face and pull away from her slowly. I find her eyes and whisper, “I love you.” 

I know as soon as I say it I’m in trouble from the fire that burns in her eye. If we weren’t in a room full of people and she wasn’t trying to remain professional, she probably would have slapped me. 

She knows that was Jared and not Sam. I may be wearing Sam’s clothes, or some of his clothes at least, but she knows the words were mine and not his. 

We stare at one another, short of breath, and then “CUT!” 

The room erupts into applause, hoots, whistles. I offer my hand to Y/N and she takes it out of politeness as she slides off the table to her feet. 

Bob, the producer, comes over to us with the broadest smile I’ve ever seen on him. He shakes my hand and slaps me on the shoulder. “That was perfect! Wish I had thought of it.” 

I look around the room at everyone patting each other on the back and nodding their approvals at us. The atmosphere is enough to tell me they got the shot, we don’t need to do any more takes, we can all go home.

I find Jensen staring at me behind the camera and he’s the only one not impressed by my performance, because he knows too that Sam disappeared the second I ran my hands up her thighs. 

Y/N doesn’t wait to be told it’s a wrap for the day, she picks Lexie’s jacket up from the floor and walks off set. Passing Jensen he asks her if she’s okay and she just waves a hand over her shoulder as she continues her haste to get away. 

* * *

**Y/N POV.**

Jared’s lust blown eyes burn into mine and he whispers, “I love you.”

Jared Padalecki whispers, I love you, not Sam Winchester. I know the difference, I can feel the difference on my swollen lips, the tingling in my hips as the blood flow returns after being freed from his vice like restraint.

I simultaneously want to punch him in the throat, kiss him and scream profanities at him. I can’t pull my eyes from him, he has me paralysed under his gaze.  

“CUT!” 

All the applause, hoots, and whistles seem to remind him where we are and he offers his hand to help me off of the table I’m not supposed to be sat on. 

I take his hand, because I don’t want to embarrass him in front of everyone and I don’t want anyone to think something is wrong. Although from their appreciative applause they just think we’ve improvised to give Sam and Lexie the reunion we feel they should have. 

Bob, the producer, crosses the room to us and I’ve never seen him smile so wide. He’s impressed with Jared’s performance. Even without watching the footage back I know it will be more than clear it was all led by Jared. 

Bob shakes Jared’s hand, “that was perfect! Wish I had thought of it.” 

Bob’s words infuriate me, that was not perfect. It was far from perfect. It was irresponsible, thoughtless, hot-headed, idiotic and downright cruel.

The crew starts packing up. A second take isn’t needed, thank the lord for small mercies. I locate Lexie’s jacket on the floor and march away without being dismissed.

I pass Jensen as the tears fall and he asks if I’m okay. I know if I try to talk my voice will break so I just wave my hand over my shoulder as I rush to leave set.

Jensen’s calling my name but I can’t stop, if I stop walking someone will see the stream of tears on my face. I’ve cried after emotionally draining scenes before, the cast and crew are familiar with my emotional outbursts when Lexie has a hard time. But what excuse could I give now? She’s just made up with Sam, as far as they are concerned, my tears are completely irrational in this scenario. 

I’m running by the time I get outside and I full on sprint to my trailer. I make it inside and seconds later Jensen is crashing through the door breathless from running after me. 

“Please tell me he’s not behind you?” I ask barging past him to engage the lock on the door before he answers me. 

“No, it’s just me,” Jensen assures me. 

“He’s too busy getting slapped on the back for his outstanding performance,” I mock, slamming around my trailer to get the bottle of vodka I have in the freezer. I don’t bother with a glass and swig straight from the bottle. 

“So you’re not okay?” Jensen observes me wince swallowing the burning liquid.

The adrenaline and shock subsides and I plop myself down on the couch, taking another pull on the bottle before Jensen takes it from my hand making some dribble down my chin. “No I’m not okay,” I tell him. 

Jensen takes two glass from the cupboard and walks to the freezer.  

“He said he loves me.” I tell his back. 

He stops dead halfway through pulling the ice tray out of the freezer, he recovers quickly and adds ice to the two glasses. His pause is long enough for my brain to register that he knows Jared said it and he’s not surprised in the slightest. 

I spit the words at him, “so you knew?” 

I don’t know why I’m angry at Jensen, he’s the last person I should be angry with. None of this is his fault. But he’s the person standing in front of me right now, he’s the person I can shout at, be furious with, and I know he’ll still love me tomorrow. 

He hands me a vodka on the rocks and sighs audibly, “I knew how he felt, yeah. I didn’t know he was going to do that though.”

I don’t think Jared knew he was going to do it either. I know it wasn’t planned. Yet I’m still angry. I shoot the drink back, ice clinking against my teeth and stand up to make myself another. 

I need to know and I also don’t want to know, but I still ask, “how long? When did he decide he loves me?” 

“Comic-Con.” 

I feel my lips moving but no sound is coming out because my brain can’t settle on an appropriate response. He’s had four months to tell me, over the phone, in a text message, hell he could have flown to Georgia and told me in person but he didn’t. He waited until I got over him and started seeing someone else.

“And he didn’t decide he loves you,” Jensen defends his friend, his brother. “He realised he’s always loved you.” 

It shouldn’t be Jensen telling me this, it should be Jared. Jared should be the one telling me when he realised he loved me, like an actual adult, with words and not hotheaded actions. 

There’s a loud bang on the trailer door and I look to Jensen with pleading eyes, “please get rid of him. I can’t do this right now.” 

What was I just saying about being an adult? 

I know I shouldn’t be putting Jensen in the middle but I don’t have a choice. I’m not ready to face Jared. Jensen walks to the door and I walk to the back of the trailer so I’m as far away from the door as possible. 

Jensen opens the door and I watch as his expression changes from slight anger, to surprise, to a welcoming smile in the matter of five seconds. “Hey, come on in.” 

I don’t have time to protest before Jensen widens the door and a huge bouquet of autumn coloured flowers float through. The flowers are lowered and I’m staring at the beaming smile of Ryan.

Ryan places the flowers on the table and he’s hardly turned back to me before I’ve thrown my arms around his neck. “I missed you too, babe.”

Ryan kisses me firmly and guilt floods me, even though I’ve done nothing wrong, it was Jared. But I didn’t even consider Ryan in all of this, he never entered my mind, until he was stood in front me. 

Jensen clearing his throat interrupts us.

“Sorry,” Ryan apologises, turning to look at Jensen, “I just really missed her.”

“Don’t sweat it,” Jensen says with a friendly grin. Stepping toward him with an outstretched hand, “I’m Jensen.” 

“Ryan. Heard a lot about you.” 

“You too, man.” 

“Ry, what are you doing here?” I ask Ryan, my tone a little too accusatory.

If Ryan picks up on it he doesn’t say anything, maybe he just thinks I’m surprised. “I missed you. I’ve got a couple days off. You said you had a late roll call tomorrow, so wanted to surprise you.” 

It’s Friday tomorrow, we wrap by ten on Thursday nights so the cast and crew can go home. Then no one is expected on set until four P.M. on a Friday to allow some family time for everyone. It means working into the early hours of Saturday morning but then we get Saturday, all of Sunday and Monday mornings off, it’s a compromise.

Ryan has taken a three hour flight to spend about twelve hours with me. Now the guilt really settles in. 

“I’m definitely surprised.” I tell him hugging him again. I need to hide my face from him for a second. I need a minute to compose myself. 

Jared bulldozes through the door calling my name desperately. He sees me in Ryan’s arms and goes rigid. Jared has fixed his shock into a friendly grin by the time Ryan lets me go and turns to greet him. 

They introduce themselves to one another and then it’s deathly silent. There’s no mistaking something more is going on and just when I feel like I’m going to throw up from all the tension, Jensen saves me. Jensen is my knight in shining armour suggesting he and Jared leave me and Ryan alone. 

“Hey, don’t even think about it,” Ryan stops them from leaving. “I have an ulterior motive to my visit. I want to get to know the two most important men in her life, too.” He explains, “her words not mine. Why don’t we grab a late dinner if you’re all wrapped for the day?” 

I groan inwardly, I cannot under any circumstance do this right now. I cannot sit at a table with Jensen, Jared and Ryan. I can’t. The vodka in my stomach rolls at the thought and I must turn a shade of green because Jensen has to rescue me once again. 

“Sorry man. Nice thought, but we’ve got a double date,” Jensen points between himself and Jared. “I’m cooking dinner for them at our place. Y/N was actually crashing here tonight to give us some space.” 

Jensen Fucking Ackles, ladies and gentleman. Give this man an Oscar, an Emmy, an MTV Movie Award, and every other award that has not yet been invented. I love this man! In my mind Jensen is on a pedestal. Flash bulbs make his eyes shine and applause makes him smile whilst he stands with an arm full of awards in a tux.

I know he’s lying and even I believe him. 

“Next time?” Ryan asks, “I’ve only got tonight.”

“Definitely,” Jensen says stepping forward to shake his hand again. Jared does the same, telling him it’s nice to meet him. Then Jensen is softly pushing Jared out the door, he tries to catch my eye but I busy myself looking at the gorgeous flowers my boyfriend has bought me. 


	3. The Kiss She Deserves - Part 3

**Jared POV.**

I can feel the anger and disappointment radiating off Jensen in the car on the way home. I know as soon as we’re away from prying ears he will rip me a new one. There were too many people around our trailers and he won’t want to do it in front of our driver.

I follow Jensen in to the house and close the door as he strides through into the kitchen. I take a deep breath and brace myself, I may as well get it over with. I drag my feet as I head to the kitchen and when I get there I’m taken aback. Jensen is sitting at the breakfast bar with a beer in hand and an open one in front of the vacant seat beside him.

I expected him to be standing waiting to shout at me.

I sit down wearily and take a large gulp of the cold beer. “Say it,” I tell him after a minute.

“Do I need to?”

“Probably not.”

There’s nothing he could say that I haven’t already told myself. I’m a jerk, an asshole, a douchebag, a grade A dick. That is not the way you go about telling someone you love them. Especially someone who is in a relationship. Although, in my defense, Ryan never even crossed my mind.

Jensen swallows the last of his beer and asks, “you know you’ve made her a cheater now, right?”

I know Y/N hates cheaters. She has always said, even in interviews, it’s a characteristic she will not tolerate. Her father was unfaithful to her mother when she was a teenager. Her brother went to live with their father whilst she stayed with her mother and it tore her apart.  

She even blew up at a writer once for suggesting Lexie and Dean could share a kiss whilst Sam was in hell. She threatened to quit if they went through with the storyline, if the producers hadn’t backed down and trashed the idea she would have walked away from the show.

My behaviour has consequently made Y/N a cheat. She knew it was me kissing her, she knew and she didn’t stop me. Regardless of whether she didn’t stop me to save me from embarrassment, or if she was still in character, or the fact that she wanted it just as much as I did, she is now the one thing she hates and it’s because of me.

“I know.” I sigh resigned to the reality that she probably won’t ever forgive me for that.

* * *

I don’t sleep and by five A.M. I decide to stop trying. I get out of bed and sit on the couch, the tv is showing some infomercial and I sit scrolling through instagram to kill time until it’s a decent enough hour to start making breakfast.

I feel like I owe Jensen for saving my ass with Ryan yesterday, and breakfast is the least I can do. If he hadn’t have been there the tension in the room would have bubbled over and probably would have ended up with flimsy excuses, indirect confessions and fists.

I scroll lazily and then I come across it. A picture Ryan has posted of Y/N standing in the kitchen of her trailer. She’s twisted to the left, wearing his white shirt, whilst she’s pouring a drink. You can see the curve of her braless breast, and the bottom third of her ass cheek is visible. It’s a candid shot she clearly doesn’t know is being taken.

His caption - Sexiest when she’s wearing my clothes. #MissedHer #Hotness #Falling

Y/N has commented calling him a dork with a heart emoji. I chew the inside of my cheek for so long whilst I read the comments I taste blood.

  * __Too cute. She’s a lucky girl.__



 No, he’s the lucky one. Y/N is a catch.

  * __She’ll forever be Sam’s girl, remember that.__



 She may be Sam’s girl forever, but not Jared’s.

  * __Lexie is Sam’s. Y/N is Ryan’s. Love is all around.__



 If only you knew.

  * __I bet @Jarpad wishes he had made a move sooner seeing this pic. Snooze you loose.__



 Yep @Jarpad knows exactly what he’s missing out on. Don’t you worry.

I’m so consumed with my internal replies to comments that when a message notification from Y/N pops up on the top of my screen I jump so quickly I end up juggling with my phone so I don’t drop it.

 **Y/N:** Unless we’re doing a scene, I need you to not talk to me today.

It’s five forty-five, she never gets out of bed early than nine on a friday. Even if she is awake she refuses to get out of bed or use her phone until after nine. She hasn’t slept either. I know it.

 **Jared:** I’m sorry, for everything. But I can’t ignore you. We need to talk. Come home, I’ll make you breakfast.

 **Y/N:** No. Please Jared. Just give me a day. I can’t do this with you.

 **Jared:** Today or ever?

The delivered changes to read but the tell tale speech bubble doesn’t appear. I wait and wait. The typing message symbol doesn’t appear. Fuck it! I dial her number. It rings twice and then she ditches the call and her voicemail answers.

 **Jared:** Y/N, please don’t ignore me.

 **Jared:** I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

 **Jared:** I meant what I said.

 **Jared:** I love you. I’m not sorry for that.

I ring again and it rings longer before voicemail picks up. I try another dozen times but I only ever get her voicemail.

* * *

**Y/N POV.**

I watch the cursor blink at me under Jared’s message, “today or ever?” Which is it? Do I want to avoid the conversation today or do I want to ignore it forever?

I’m not sure we can chalk yesterday's incident up to a momentary lapse in judgement like the last one. Mainly because it’s on camera and I know without a shadow of a doubt that scene will end up in the episode. Then it will become an online gif, because:

  1. Jared is shirtless
  2. It was totally fucking hot!
  3. Jared is hot and half naked.



I decline Jared’s call and decide to take a shower. Leaving my phone in the lounge area of my trailer. I kiss Ryan’s head as I pass him sleeping in my bed and when he stirs I ask him if he wants to join me.

I don’t have to ask twice.

* * *

 

Ryan leaves me in the bedroom with the promise of freshly brewed coffee when I’m ready. His kiss lingers and I pull him back to my lips three times before I actually let him leave.

Ryan needs to be at the airport for midday. We’re going for breakfast then I’m taking him to the airport. I dry my hair quickly and pull it into a loose bun on the top of my head, it will need to be styled for Lexie later anyway.

I slip on some jeans, pull on my favourite Dallas Cowboys jersey and then go in search of my boyfriend and coffee.

I’ve only known him a short amount of time but when he looks up at me from his seat on the couch I know something is wrong.

I’m half expecting him to tell me someone had died until his eyes travel down to my phone on the coffee table in front of him.

“I thought you and Jared were just friends,” he says softly.

Ryan became somewhat of a confidant during filming. We had a lot of downtime between scene set ups and there’s only so much small talk you can have. So inevitably I told Ryan everything about Jared and I.

He asked me on a date with the promise of helping me forget about Jared, and he did just that.

“But apparently he loves you,” Ryan points toward my phone. His voice is soft and quiet and it’s worse than if he were shouting at me.

I pinch my brow, confused. I reach for my phone and read the messages Jared sent whilst I was in the shower. Whilst I was in the shower with Ryan, Jared has told me he’s sorry and he loves me.

I should probably be mad that Ryan read my messages, invaded my privacy. However, what good would that do? I don’t want to fight with Ryan, it’s the last thing I want.

I lean against the small table behind me and speak as softly as him, “I’m sorry, I should have said something last night.”

“But you didn’t,” he points out.

“It happened literally minutes before you showed up, I was still processing.”

It’s a shitty excuse, and I’m not convincing either of us.

“And have you processed?”

Nope. I’ve decided to ignore it. Sweep it under the rug and just step over the Jared shaped lump.

I shake my head, not trusting my voice to not crack. I know he’s going to end our relationship, I know it’s coming. That’s why he’s so calm. If he was going to fight for me, for us, he’d be angry.

“I can’t compete with him, Y/N.” Ryan tells me. “What you’ve got with him, it’s already too deep. I can’t change that, as much as I want to.”

I want to tell him there’s no competition. That he doesn’t need to compete with Jared but we both know it would be a lie.

He stands from the couch and walks to stand in front of me. He kisses my lips feather light and smiles fondly, “I’m going to miss you.”

My tears fall and he thumbs them away. “I’m sorry,” is all I can choke out.

“We’ll always have Georgia.”

* * *

I manage to avoid being alone with Jared all day. Jensen runs interference when he can and when he’s busy I make a point to always be talking to someone else.

Lunch rolls around… well, it’s eight P.M., but it’s our lunch break. I grab a chicken salad sandwich from craft services and then hide in the one place Jared won’t think to look for me.

I’m half way through my sandwich when Jensen calls me.

“Where are you?” He asks without a greeting.

“The last place he’d look,” I reply.

He asks me where that is and I’m reluctant to tell him in case Jared is stood listening to the call. I trust Jensen whole-heartedly and he would never do anything I didn’t want him to do or betray my trust. However, he’s been playing referee all day and he’s going to get tired of it eventually. He wants me and Jared to work it out just as much as Jared does.

“Is he next to you?”

I hear Jensen sigh, he knows what I’m thinking. There is the rustle as he moves his phone from his ear and then his voice comes back. “Check your messages.”

I do as he says clicking his call on to speaker phone before I open the message he has sent me. He’s sent me a selfie with a dorky smile, Jared over his left shoulder in the background talking to Misha.

I giggle. “I’m in Jared’s trailer.”

Jared rarely uses his own trailer, he’s either in Jensen’s or mine. It still smells new, he’s used it so little.

Jensen’s musical laugh makes my smile wider. “Genius. He definitely hasn’t looked you for there. I’m coming to you.”

“No don’t!” I yell quickly. I calm myself down to explain, “He’ll follow you.”

Jensen’s sigh is louder and has a hint of sadness, “you know by avoiding him, you’re avoiding me too? I feel like you’re punishing me for something he did.”

I instantly feel like shit. He’s right, we are the three musketeers, however Jared and Jensen are closer. They worked together for two seasons before I came along and their bond is stronger. So in order for me to avoid Jared, I have to ignore Jensen, too.

Jensen is my friend, my big brother, and I’m hiding from him just as much as I’m hiding from Jared because where one is, the other isn’t far behind.

“I’m sorry, Jay. I just need some time to get my head straight.”

“I’m sending a friend to you,” he says kindly.

“Jay,” I warn, thinking he might send Jared my way to end this high school drama.

“Don’t worry, she has peanut butter.” I can hear the smile in his voice and know the only person who makes him smile that way is Danneel.

“Thanks, Jay.”

“Love you, Lunatic.”

“Love you too, punk.”

I don’t have to wait long after hanging up before Danneel arrives. She calls my name walking through the trailer and I tell her I’m in the bedroom. No windows for people to see my shadow moving about. I really have thought my hiding place through, maybe a little too much.

Danneel flings herself at me and ends up squishing me against the bed in a tight hug. I’m close with Danneel, I set her up with Jensen. She became his girlfriend and it bought me and Dani closer. It was the perfect combination of having my best friends as a couple.

We laugh together, but her simple hug and the fact that she’s there brings everything to the surface and I end up with tears streaming down my face.

I pull myself together before it turns into a full on ugly cry and sit cross legged on the bed whist Danneel hunts down two spoons for the peanut butter.  

I really don’t care about fitting my ass into Lexie’s skin tight jeans at this moment so I dig out a crater of peanut butter and shovel it in my mouth before handing it to Danneel to do the same.

“So what’s the plan?” she asks me after a minute or so of silence. “Spend your time finding new places to hide, check in to a hotel so you don’t have to go home?”

I nod my head, that’s a decent plan. “I’m thinking of asking the writers to kill me off and running away to Australia.”

She rolls her eyes amusedly at me, knowing I would never do that. Though honestly, right now, it’s a tempting idea.

She smiles sympathetically, “you’re going to have to talk to him at some point.”

I’m about to tell her I know and that I will. Just not today, not on set and not until I’ve figured out my own tangled web of thoughts. What if we get together and he decides actually I’m not for him? What if we end badly? I wouldn’t want it to affect the show, I don’t want to lose Jared as a friend either.

I’m not quite ready to think of all the positives that could come of us being together. The what if’s of it working out, us being happy and in love, because I’m angry still. I need to wallow for a while, I guess.

Before I can tell her any of that, Jared’s voice bellows my name through the trailer. He either followed Danneel or asked someone what direction she went in and worked it out from there. His voice startles me and I jump to my feet.

Apart from climbing out of the skylight in the adjacent bathroom I have no escape path. Danneel sees my eyes flitting from the bedroom door to the bathroom and she takes my hand before I seriously consider climbing out of the skylight. “Come on,” she says leading me out of the bedroom.

Jared is standing in the middle of the lounge area. Jensen is standing in front of him with his back to us, his hands on Jared’s shoulders trying to push him back out telling him now isn’t the time or place to do this.

“We need to talk about this,” Jared speaks to me over Jensen’s head.

“We already talked about it,” I remind him.

Jensen gives up his attempt to get Jared to leave and Dani unlatches her hand from mine. I step completely out of the bedroom as she walks to Jensen’s side and takes his hand. They sit on the couch, a front row seat to the drama. I’m glad they don’t leave, it will probably get heated and someone may need to step in.

I cross my arms over my chest and lean my shoulder against the wall.

Jared stands up straighter and fixes his eyes to mine. “Oh you mean we talked when you walked out of the kitchen without giving me a second to think, or when you called me from Georgia to tell me you’d changed your mind?” Jared isn’t shouting but his tone suggests he wants to. “You talked, you never gave me chance to say anything!”

I’m the one who can’t stop myself from yelling, “BULLSHIT!”

Jared recoils and Jensen’s head snaps to look at me, I’ve never shouted at either of them before. So the ferocity in my voice catches them both off guard.  

I don’t lower my voice, now I’m being forced to confront him I’m not backing down. “YOU HAD PLENTY OF CHANCES TO SAY SOMETHING AND YOU CHOSE NOT TO. YOU WAITED UNTIL I WAS OVER YOU, UNTIL I WAS WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND THEN USED SAM AS A WAY TO GET TO ME AND SCREW WITH MY HEAD!”

“If you were so over me it wouldn’t have screwed with your head.” His smug tone makes me want to throttle him and the fact that he’s right makes me want to cry.

There’s a knock on the door and then Jenny, the show’s publicist is barging in with a clipboard in hand and her phone to her ear. “Okay, I’m with her now, let me call you back.” she hangs up the phone and sighs relieved, “thank god I found you, I’ve been looking everywhere.”

There’s no way she didn’t hear my outburst, her knock on the door came practically after Jared finished his sentence but clearly there is something else more pressing for her to question what’s going on in here.

Her relieved tone and words were directed at me, so I give her a quick half-smile and ask her what’s up.

“TMZ have just broke the news you and Ryan broke up, they want a statement.”

All eyes land on me. I close my eyes as I raise my head to the ceiling and push my fists in to my eyes. If I push hard enough maybe I’ll wake up, out of this nightmare and back in a day when everything was simple.

It’s been less than twelve hours, how the hell do they know? I don’t need to ask the question out loud because Jenny continues, “Ryan was drunk on the flight home, he told a passenger, they told TMZ.”

“Has he given a statement?” She nods when I stop trying to wake myself up and look at her. “Just agree with whatever he said, it’s the least I owe him.”

Ryan won’t have slated me or made me out to be the bad guy in his statement, and even if he has it’s nothing I wouldn’t deserve.

Jenny nods her understanding and then turns dialling someone on her phone as she leaves.

“You broke up?” Jared asks once the echo of the door closing has stopped.

“I’m way too sober for this,” I groan making my way to the door. No one tries to stop me, thankfully.

* * *

 

**Jared POV.**

I have to admire Y/N’s ability to stay away from me. After the trailer talk, or should I say the trailer blow up, she’s like a stealth ninja, one second she’s there and the next she’s gone.

Danneel took her out for drinks once we wrapped for the day at midnight. Jensen and I are watching tv in the lounge when they roll in giggling at four a.m. I imagine it took a lot of convincing on Dani’s part to get Y/N to come home.

Dani has obviously taken her mind off of everything because her smile dies on her lips when she sees me sat in her spot on the couch. Dani slinks herself into Jensen’s lap and he kisses her.

Y/N sits on the other end of the couch to me and starts taking off her stilettos. “You girls have fun?” Jensen asks trying to break the tension.

I should have gone to bed. I shouldn’t have sat waiting to see if she would could home. I’ve been fighting to keep my eyes open for the last hour because I wanted to see her. I wanted to know if she would come home, but now that she’s here I know it was a mistake.

Right now in her drunken, post-breakup haze she hates me and I can’t say I blame her.

“Fun was had along with too much tequila,” Dani giggles snuggling into Jensen’s neck.

Y/N stands up with her shoes in her hand and she sways a little, I reach out a hand to steady her. I connect with her elbow and she pulls her arm so fast away from me I don’t know how she doesn’t dislocate her shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” I say holding my hands up to try and show it wasn’t intentional.

“You really need to learn what personal space is!” she spits at me.

I know she’s drunk, and I know she doesn’t mean it but her rejection stings. She has never pulled away from my touch before, not once, and it hurts that she’s recoiling from me now. It’s not right, it’s not how we are, it’s not us and I hate it.

I let my anger take over because I’m pissed at her too, she’s partly to blame in the screwed up mess we’ve become. I may have been the one to take the kiss too far, but she didn’t stop me. I stand up to face off with her, “funny you didn’t seem to mind yesterday.”

Jensen gets to his feet whilst Y/N looks at me with an expression that could only be described as ‘what the hell did he just say?’

“Stop!” Jensen says standing in between us. “Fighting isn’t going to help.”

“Well if she’d just stop being a coward and talk to me we wouldn’t need to fight.”

“I’m the coward?” she scoffs, “That’s rich coming from the guy who’s had four years to make a move on the girl, but waits until she’s unavailable.”

“Or the girl who had the same amount of time and said nothing!”

“ENOUGH!” Jensen bellows stopping our pissing match.

We stare each other down shoulders heaving from our raised volumes.

“Did you two ever consider me in all of this?” Jensen asks watching us burn our eyes into one another. “The last couple days hasn’t been easy on me either, you know. You need to sort this out. I’m not going to play mediator much longer!”

I feel like an even bigger dick. We’ve been pulling Jensen in two directions and it isn’t fair. Seeing the tears dance in her eyes I cave first, “Y/N, I’m sorry, please. I hate this, I hate fighting with you, I hate you not talking to me. I’m begging you, please talk to me.”

She blinks back the tears and closes her eyes as she takes a deep breath shaking her head. “Not right now, just give me the night.” She doesn’t wait for a reply before she leaves the room.

* * *

I’m sat in the kitchen reading the news on my phone with a coffee late Saturday morning when Y/N comes in from her run. She pauses when she sees me, maybe she’s deciding whether to run away again or it’s because I’m shirtless. She’s always said it’s a big distraction for her.

She unfreezes and continues to the fridge. She still has her headphones in and I can hear the music from where I’m sat, but she’s willingly in the same room as me, so progress.

She starts preparing herself a banana and peanut butter smoothie and I can’t take my eyes off of her ass in the yoga pants or the sweat trickling down her spine.

Jensen and Dani enter, Jensen tickling Dani whilst she laughs and squirms away. Dani sits next to me whilst Jensen goes to Y/N and pulls her headphones out as he kisses her cheek. She rolls her eyes but pauses the music on her iPod that’s strapped to her arm and continues making her unhealthy breakfast.

Jensen makes himself and Dani a cup of coffee before placing a soft, tender kiss on her head as he lowers himself in to the seat next to her.They are so good together, it’s sickening in the best possible way.

“So when’s the wedding?” I ask Jensen with a smirk.

They aren’t engaged yet but it’s abundantly obvious that’s where it’s heading.

“Kind of need the best man and the maid of honour to be talking for a wedding,” Dani jokes looking at Y/N’s back as she blends her smoothie.

“Yeah it’s kind of tradition that the best man and maid of honour hook up,” Jensen teases.

Y/N spins round and throws a chunk of banana at him but she has a small amused smirk on her lips.

Jensen dodges the banana missile chortling he jests, “too soon?”

“Too soon,” she confirms, but there’s an amused glint in her eyes still.

Our laughter fades out and when I lift my head she’s looking directly at me. “I’m going to shower, then me and you are going to talk, like adults.”

I point a finger at my chest, and then turn to look over my shoulder, “sorry, are you talking to me?”

Jensen and Dani smack me upside the head for the ill timed joke. I see a quick grin flash across Y/N’s lips at either my joke or the physical assault, either way it’s a smile I elicited from her.

Y/N shrugs her shoulders a look of indifference on her face, “no. I was talking to the other douchebag with no tact or understanding of personal space.”

“She’s definitely talking to you,” Jensen interjects slapping me on the shoulder.

I grin stupidly at her, I know it’s a stupid grin because I can feel it in the knots of my stomach. I see her try and suppress her own smile and I’m hopeful. For the first time in a long time, since Comic-Con, I’m hopeful I can really make all of this right. “I’ll be here,” I promise.

She starts to leave the kitchen but turns back to look at me, “and for the love of god please have a shirt on when I get back,” she pleads with a deep breath.

I chuckle loudly as she turns to continue her path out of the room.

“Don’t do it, Jar. Keep her distracted and she’ll be putty in your hands,” Jensen sniggers.

“Screw you Ackles,” she calls over her shoulder disappearing around the corner.

* * *

 

Jensen and Dani have to talk me out of bolting out the front door ten minutes after Y/N leaves to take her shower.

The enormity of what was coming crashed in to me a like a freight train. What if I say something wrong and screw it up again? What if she wants to tell me she really is over me and just wants to be friends? What if we end up fighting and we say things we can’t take back?

I feel sick and I’m so glad Jensen stopped me from drinking more than two beers last night otherwise I would definitely vomit.

“You got this,” Jensen tells me with certainty in his tone, but it doesn’t quite come across in his eyes. He looks as nervous as I feel.

Danneel smiles and gives me a quick hug, “just be honest with her.”

Y/N comes into the kitchen again, way sooner than I expected her to. She throws one of my t-shirts at me because she knew I’d be freaking out and forget her request to be covered up by the time she got back.

I slip the shirt over my head as Jensen and Dani hug her goodbye. They are making the smart, or not so smart depending on how this goes, decision to go shopping to give us some time alone.

“Try not to kill him,” Jensen tells Y/N, “we kind of need him for the show.”

“I’ll do my best,” she laughs, kissing his cheek.

Jensen points a finger at me as Dani tries to drag him away, “keep your hands and lips to yourself.”

“Scouts honour,” I agree, doing the three finger salute.

The sound of the door closing reverberates off of the walls and we’re alone. Y/N goes to the fridge, takes two bottles of water out and throws one across the room to me.

She hoists herself up onto the countertop and I sit facing her at the breakfast bar. Neither of us talk and we both avoid looking at each other.

My phone rings in my back pocket and I pull it out to see Jensen’s name on the caller I.D. “Yeah,” I answer.

  
“Put me on speakerphone!” Jensen demands.

I follow his instruction and place the phone on the counter in front of me. “Okay.” I tell him.

“Jared meet Y/N, Y/N meet Jared.” Jensen says loudly, “you’ve been into each other since the day you met, but your both idiots and your timing sucks. Now sort it out!”

The tension breaks and we both laugh at him.

“Oh, and I think your first kid should be called Jensen.”

“Bye Jensen,” we chorus together before I push end call.

I find the courage to look at her and she’s still laughing when she meets my eyes. “Maybe a good middle name?” I suggest good-naturedly.

“Oh we’re already at the baby stage?” she asks, eyebrows raised in question, “damn that escalated quickly.”

I gaze at her whilst she laughs at her own joke and the distance between us is too much. But I’m cautious about approaching her, I’m not sure it’s what she wants.

I swear she reads my mind or my thoughts are written all over my face because she jumps down from her perch and walks around the bar to me. She pulls herself up onto the bar beside me and puts her feet on the stool in front of her. She rests her head on her knees looking sideways at me and my defences are blown out of the water.

“I’m sorry for everything,” I finally admit. “I’m so sorry Y/N. You totally blindsided me and I freaked out.”

“I blindsided you?” She asks with wide eyes, “you kissed me out of nowhere. One minute we’re playing around and the next you’re kissing me.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know-”

She shakes her head, interrupting me to tell me not to apologise, “I knew it was just sex to you and I knew if I let it happen I’d fall harder for you and I couldn’t be just a one night stand. Not with you.”

“It was,” I admit with a sigh, “it was all I wanted at the time. Then at comic-con, when I knew I wasn’t going to see you for hiatus, it hit me. I wanted more, not just your body, l wanted all of you.”

She smiles and her whole face lights up.

“The whole Sam kiss thing. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t know what I was doing. I did.” I’m not going to start lying to her now, I confess, “you’d told Jensen you were over me, but I still had some hope. Then we were playing pool at the party and it felt like old times. I realised how much I missed you, missed us and I thought I’d get a chance to show you how I felt. Then you told Katie you had a crush on me but we were just friends. I felt like you’d stabbed me in the heart. I was scared I’d blown it, I’d never get the chance to show you how I feel. Then I was kissing you as Sam and I saw an opportunity”

“You certainly made the most of it,” she blushes slightly and it’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.

“Y/N I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have accepted you telling me it was nothing and definitely shouldn't have kissed you under the pretense of Sam. I should have told you, I should have flown out to Georgia and told you how I feel.”

She raises her head and hesitates, her lips move but no sound escapes. Her cheeks flush and wearily she asks, “and how do you feel exactly?”

I’ve already told her that I love her. To her face and in text messages but both times the situation was wrong, emotions and circumstances heightened everything so I can forgive her for having to ask me.

I know I can show her better than I can explain with words. I stand up slowly, she doesn’t flinch or move away so I gently cup her face and press my lips against hers. I linger and when I feel her relax under my touch I push the barstool she’s resting her feet on out of the way and place myself between her legs.

I run my tongue against her bottom lip and she grants me entry as she runs her hands up my torso to snake them around my neck.

Our tongues dance leisurely, and I wrap my arms around her waist. I don’t grip her hips hungrily, I wrap my arms tenderly around her and pull her in to me because this is how our first kiss should have gone.

This is the way our first kiss should have been. Not the rip your clothes off want to fuck you in the kitchen kiss or the I can’t control myself around you Sam attack kiss. It’s this one. The loving, needing, passionate, slow, close isn’t close enough, my heart is guiding me kiss.

This is the kiss she’s deserved from me since day one and I hate that I’m only giving it to her now. But I know I’ll have the rest of my life to make up for that, because I’ll be damned if I let her go.

It ends naturally, not because either of us are out of breath or one of us wants to run away. I pull back so I can properly see in to her eyes.

She pulls her bottom lip in between her teeth and smiles. “I love you too,” she says getting the message from my kiss loud and clear.


End file.
